At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
