Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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