college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
