At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
