i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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