I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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