all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
