i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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