May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
