I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
