my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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