omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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