The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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