I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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