this beer tastes like vomit already
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
