My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
