My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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