Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
