my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
