brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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