Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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