I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
