I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
