making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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