I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Buhtt sex?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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