the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My hand turned me down
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
