if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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