I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
