either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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