Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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