I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
its not stalking. its research.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
