Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
