I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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