"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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