I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize