also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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