every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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