I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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