Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
