By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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