Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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