We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
