Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
