____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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