I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
