I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize