I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
