I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
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