I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
