life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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