i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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