Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
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