I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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