This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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