I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
