Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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