just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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