Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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